As most of you know already my handsome and loving irish setter was diagnosed with bone cancer about 2 weeks ago, not to mention my fiancee lost her cat "Babykat" to heart failure 2 days after "max" was given his real tough road ahead.
Anyway this morning he is going in for surgery to amputate his right distal radius ( right leg) i went to bed last night at 11:30 PM and i tossed and turned thinking about the "what if " i could have done more , i wish i could stop the mind racing and blaming myself for not noticing the tumor on his leg sooner......i have been up since 4AM and i've had about 3 hours sleep.
My fiancee has also been up and tossing and turning all night as well.
We've fought at least 3 times in the last 2 weeks, keep in mind we barely ever fight and yet to realize this it's obvious she and i are under alot of stress ( yet to aleive me of the pain / stress i have been dealing with i have been drinking everyday since he was diagnosed ) so i can manage this powerlessness....i' am however an alcoholic ... i therefore it's no wonder why "life" lately has been rough, meanwhile we're getting marred less then a month.
I'm not sure where i'm going with this discussion nor do i have any idea what i'm trying to say.....i don;t know much but i do know this..
I love "max" more then i have loved anyone or anything in my entire life
I want to do more then i have already.
Is there anything anyone can suggest to be there for him and lisa...( my fiancee )
I'm a basket case in need of support / perspective otherwise i'm not sure if i have it in me to be strong for lisa .....is it normal to feel this way about all we're going through...am i being selfish..i need some help..........does anyone have any ideas as to how i can just "be" in case max and lisa needs me........do i have it in me to even consider trying to be me....