Dog Humor

[Gene]

I have several interesting/humorous/funny dog-related emails in my inbox. Thought we could create a thread where we could share these.

[Michaela]

Ursula, I love your Setter-Cartoons - please: more of this!

[Judi Schuerman]

Hey Ursula,
Is your book in English yet?

I love the title!
I love your humor too!
Judi

[ursula wilby]

Sorry Judi,
No I dont have an english publisher, so everything is in swedish...small market. Unless you care to learn swedish? :-)

[Judi Schuerman]

Jelena!
Thanks for sharing this! I want to copy it and put it on my refrigerator! Thanks for posting this!
Judi

[Laura Kolbach]

[Laura Kolbach]

[Laura Kolbach]

[Jelena Kreitmayer]

HAHAHA
that is so Lego :))) All except the toilet drinking part - substitute that with kitty butt licking part and you have him down pat :)
I do have a rule though - first kiss me, THEN lick the cat butts, NOT the other way around!!!!
:)))))
( or at least let it pass a little bit of time in between ) LOL!!!!

[Laura Kolbach]

[Laura Kolbach]

Tips For Sleeping With Your Dog

1. Make sure when cuddling with your dog at 2 a.m. that you do not accidentally lay on the dog's face. The dog cannot breathe, and will commence to wiggling, which will greatly disturb your slumber.
2. Always take your pillow to with you when making nocturnal bathroom visits. Otherwise, you will be laying on your arm when you return, as the dog will not be willing to return your pillow.
3. Prepare to wake up on the floor in the morning. Or at least be willing to get up, and go around to the other side of the bed, to resume sleeping on the mattress. Don't attempt to make the dog move over, this will not happen.
4. When the alarm goes off, shut it off quickly, as the noise disturbs your dog.
5. Make sure when you go to bed, you have 100% of the covers, by morning you will have none, and will be laying in a fetal position trying to stay warm.
6. When the dog lays it's nose next to yours, and gazes deeply into your eyes, bury your head in the pillow, because it is getting ready to sneeze in your face.
7. Repositioning an uncooperative sleeping dog on your bed is akin to trying to move concrete!
8. In order to avoid pillow-possession issues - take dog WITH you during nocturnal bathroom visits.
9. If you feel a need to close the bathroom door as you head back to bed - make sure you have not locked the dog in the bathroom - they make a horrid noise when abandoned in this manner.
10. After you have made the payment on the biggest car on the market, you might invest in a king-sized bed - it greatly reduces the human-on-the-floor syndrome.
11. If you take the top blanket and throw it OVER the dog at bed time it seems to restrict the migration to the head of the bed. Unfortunately it may give the human a heart attack when awaking to find a blanket clad, tail wagging apparition standing in the middle of the bed.
12. When nature calls and your bird-dog needs to go outside in the middle of a rainy, stormy night: check the mouth when he returns to the house, unless you want to wake up with a wet and bedraggled feathered friend in your bed!
13. Be prepared to rearrange your bed linens several times per night.
14. Make friends with your washer and dryer . . . . you'll be seeing a lot of them. Also, buy laundry detergent in LARGE quantities.
15. Older dog has lazy susan in his middle. No matter where you move him, his center point remains in the exact same spot.
16. Younger dog is a hotbox, so the furnace has to be turned down.
17. When sleeping with husband, I had monochrome snoring; sleeping with husband and one dog resulted in snoring in stereo; husband and 2 dogs now gives me surround sound snoring. It helps to have a spare bedroom.
18. Never go to the bathroom in the middle of the night unless you want to take older dog for a walk, and the younger dog immediately thinks it's time to eat. All of this results in being fully awake. Husband either sleeps through this entire episode, or it wakes him up and he's grumpy.
19. If by some chance you can sneak out of the bed without disturbing anyone, better just settle in the lounge chair because there will be absolutely no space whatsoever in the bed. Everyone stretches out. If you push your way back in, you end up with a fully washed face and a 30 kg dog lying on you. I, too, have considered the entire room one large mattress.
20. You never have cold feet again! :o)

[Laura Kolbach]

Test for every Potential Puppy Owner (PPO)

Are you truly ready for a dog? This is a test that every Potential Puppy Owner (PPO) must pass and, after passing, will be given a license to begin learning about the breed of their choice.
No physical force, yelling, or cursing is allowed during the test. Protective clothing or soil-proof clothes are not allowed.
Small wounds and scratches are to be handled in a positive manner.
Tests will be held in a variety of environments and PPO will always have a happy face.
Any PPO seen wiping dog hair or saliva off their clothing will not pass.
The tests:
 PPO must control a highly stimulated 10 month old male GSD puppy. PPO must be able to get the dog to do a down in two minutes. Flat buckle collar and nylon lead only.
 PPO must stand between a 14 month old Golden Retriever and a field. The handler of the puppy will then throw a ball directly into the path of the Golden. PPO must stand their ground in good nature.
 PPO must serve dinner to 6 Rottweiller puppies, not older than 6 months and not younger than 4 months. PPO must not spill the food and the puppies will not be held in any stay position.
 PPO must quiet 4 Shelties, or 6 Pomeranians, when the doorbell rings. PPO has two minutes and the puppies must have been handled previously by a breeder immune to the noise who lives in the middle of nowhere.
 PPO must hold their ground with 10 Jack Russell chasing an animal they perceive as prey. PPO must hold their leashes and not move more than 6 inches. No corrections may be issued, but PPO is welcome to try to distract them.
 PPO must walk 2 Great Danes on ice. PPO must not move more than 100 feet.
 PPO must play with a Newfoundland after the dog has been swimming in a pond. They must attempt to dry themselves with a dishtowel. At no time will the PPO appear disgusted.
 PPO must leave 3 Huskies alone in their home, uncrated, for 3 hours. PPO is allowed to cry upon return.
 PPO must groom an adult male collie blowing coat completely within 25 minutes, ears, nails, teeth and coat. The dog will have been recently bathed to give PPO a fighting chance.
 PPO must fit a Basenji into a winter coat within 5 minutes. Basenji cannot have worn a coat before.
 PPO must removes thistles from an English Setter by hand and with a fine-toothed comb.
 PPO must exercise a Viszla that has not been out for 2 days. PPO must not tire out before the dog.
 PPO must sleep in the same room as a bulldog. If the PPO cannot sleep, they must be happy in the morning.
 PPO will navigate through 10 small dogs without stepping on one.
 PPO must be able to successfully get a dog to throw up in a plastic grocery bag while in the passenger seat of a car.
 PPO must not die of shock when they get the vet bill for neutering a Mastiff.
 PPO must sit in a closed room with two dogs that were fed broccoli and beans and exhibit no disgusted facial expressions.
 PPO must vow to nurture, love, train and care for their dogs for the rest of the dog's life. PPO must accept that each dog is an individual which needs to live in a pack. PPO must vow to educate themselves about the breed of their choice and requirements expected. PPO must vow to obtain his dog from a reputable shelter/breeder.
 PPO must remain good-humored and remember that for every insane, tough moment there will be a hundred more good ones.
 PPO must try to be the person that their dog thinks they are.

[Laura Kolbach]

If I didn't have dogs:

1. I could walk around barefoot safely in the dark.
2. My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.
3. All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture and cars would be free of dog hair.
4. When the doorbell rang, I could get to the door without wading through four or five dog bodies that beat me there.
5. I could sit how I wanted on the couch without taking into consideration where several little furbodies would need to get.
6. I would not have strange presents under my tree...like dog bones, stuffed animals and have to answer to people as to why I wrap them up.
7. I would not be on a first-name basis with a vet.
8. Most used words in my vocabulary would not be: walk, outside, sit down, come, no and leave him/her ALONE.
9. My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates.
10. My bag would not contain things like poop pick-up bags and dog treats.
11. I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside.
12. I would not look strangely at people who think having their ONE dog ties them down too much.
13. I would not have to answer the question why do I have so many dogs from people who will never have this joy in their life.

(author unknown)