Dog Humor

[Gene]

I have several interesting/humorous/funny dog-related emails in my inbox. Thought we could create a thread where we could share these.

[Gene]

Dog Philosophy

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. -Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. -Sigmund Freud

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.

[Gene]

World's Biggest Dog?

Hercules


Hercules was recently awarded the honourable distinction of Worlds Biggest Dog by Guinness World
Records. Hercules is an English Mastiff and has a 38 inch neck and weighs 282 pounds.
With "paws the size of softballs" (reports the Boston Herald), the three-year-old monster is far larger and heavier than his breed's standard 200lb. limit. Hercules owner Mr. Flynn says that Hercules weight is natural and not induced by a bizarre diet: "I fed him normal food and he just grew".... and grew... and grew... and grew.

[Gene]

This one is so bad/corny it is probably not worth posting but anyway...

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a
sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for
Sale." The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking
Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab
replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed
services ...the United States Marines ... you know one of their
nicknames is "The Devil Dogs".
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured
a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies
for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.
So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years
is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why
on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. He was in the
Navy!"

[Gene]

The Far Side - The Many Moods of an Irish Setter

This is one of my favorites...

[Laura Kolbach]

and for the Swedish members :)

[Dušan Rauški]

Here are two “pearls” from the net




Dog in Heat

A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."




Dog Education

A young man goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says.

"How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the son says,

"I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The son calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." And his father sends the money.

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'"

The father says, "Damn; I hope you shot that lyin' dog!" The boy answers, "I sure did, Dad!"

[Jelena Kreitmayer]

hahaha
thank you for making me laugh! this thread is great ! :)

[Joan Clancy]

This one gets passed around alot....

What is a Title?
Not just a brag, not just a stepping stone to a higher title, not just an adjunct to competitive scores, a title is a tribute to the dog that bears it, a way to honor the dog, an ultimate memorial. It will remain in record and in memory for as long as anything in this world can remain. Few humans will do as well or better in that regard.

And though the dog itself doesn't know or care that its achievements have been noted, a title says many things in the world of humans, where such things count.

A title says your dog was intelligent and adaptable, and good-natured. It says that your dog loved you enough to do the things that please you, however crazy they may have sometimes seemed.

And a title says that you loved your dog, that you loved to spend time with it because it was a good dog, that you believed in it enough to give it yet another chance when it failed, and that, in the end, your faith was justified.

A title proves that your dog inspired you to that special relationship enjoyed by so few; that in a world of disposable creatures, this dog with a title was greatly loved, and loved greatly in return.

And when that dear short life is over, the title remains as a memorial of the finest kind, the best you can give to a deserving friend, volumes of pride in one small set of initials after the name.

A title earned is nothing less than love and respect, given and received, and permanently recorded.

-Sandra Mowery
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And this one was shared with me recently.


Stay


I pulled into a crowded parking lot and
rolled down the car windows to make sure
my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out
on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon
her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my
finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay.
Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting
that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange look and said. "Why don't you just
put it in park?"

--------------------------------------------
And another

A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon
taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his
curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.
Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. The dog acts in
turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the
other human players were doing.

However, none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact
that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other
player. Finally the man could no longer hold his tongue, so between hands
he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing
poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"

The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a
good hand, he wags his tail."



Joan Clancy, NY

[Gene]

Dog Pack Attacks Gator In Florida


At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator", can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the pack mentality" bred into the canines.

See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the gator.




Not for the
squeamish!

[Laura Kolbach]

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

May all of your entries be well spent.

May all of the judges you enter under love what you've choosen to bring them that day.

May your house be cluttered with ribbons.. so many ribbons that you don't know what to do with them this year... (even though clutter isn't good that means you won them! )

May all of your trips be worth while and may all of your travels be safe and without too many problems. (the occasional one is ok though because that's what makes life exciting..lol)

May all of your crew be safe and sound, and loved. (both with and without fur)

May your dogs and dogs you've bred achieve more titles then you can count or remember so that they end up with more credentials and letters before/after their names then you have!

May all of your hopefuls stay in size.. when you start doing the "growth dance" while praying for a growth spurt may someone listen and when you start chanting "please stop growing, please stop growing" may they listen and settle perfectly with in the chart.

May you find wonderful homes for all of your puppies.. great working homes for your companions (that didn't listen to your praying and chanting about size or their correct parts), and show homes for the bountiful amounts of show pups that you'll breed this year since you won't be able to keep them all...lol...

May all your show hopeful males have the correct parts... in the correct places.. in a timely fashion so as not to give you any stress related health problems..

May you have a year of easy to work with ears. (Setters.. what can I say..lol.. if your breed has other things you work on in puppyhood best of luck with them as well :) )

May all of your bitches have easy whelpings with healthy puppies... and may all of your studs be proven.

May all of your OFA's come back excellent and your other testings come back favorable as well.

May you meet many new friends in and around the ring who can share something special with you- be it something having to do with life, love, dogs, ect. (And as the old Irish saying goes- God help to turn the hearts of our enemies.. and if you can't turn their hearts please turn their ankles so we'll at least know them by their limping...lol.)

May your bitches come into season around the nationals or specialties.. and May your performance dogs not come into season when you've spent hundreds of dollars on traveling to the nationals or your favorite cluster..

May all of your litters contain something special.. even if you don't know what it is right away when the litter is born.. be it a wonderful performance dog, a great show puppy, a therapy dog that heals someone's soul, or someone's new best friend that touches their lives and heals their hearts..

May all of your goals for the new year be met.. and if life changes them, may it be for the better!!

[Laura Kolbach]

A letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I've been a good doggy mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my dogs on demand, visited the Vet's office more than my own doctor, spend more on their shampoos and conditioners than I do for myself, and most of the time they are groomed better than I am. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with a black marker pen on the back of a dog food receipt in the laundry room between cycles of dog bedding, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the near future with puppies coming and dog shows on the he horizon.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to put my struggling dog into the tub for a bath.
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere eating dog show food and at least three show outfits and some jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of lubricants or power tools.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like noseprint resistant windows, floors that clean themselves, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to eat my own snacks without having to share them with a pack of barking maniacs.
On the practical side, I could use a battery operated dog that is always stacked perfectly and moves to perfection on my command to boost my showing confidence, along with at least two bitches who don't bump each other to start a fight.
I could also use a recording of The Dog Whisperer chanting "Don't pee in the living room" and "Get off of her, she is not in heat" because my voice seems to be just out of my dog's hearing range and can only be heard by the next door neighbors who are at least an acre away.
If it's too late to find any of these things, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container at a dog show.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare a doggy lock down session? It will clear my conscience immensely when I look at those miserable little faces. It would be helpful if you could coerce my husband and children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family because after all, this is for MY Dogs!

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and some of my dogs saw my feet under the laundry room door. They think I am eating dinner in here again and they are missing out on leftovers.
Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and look down so that you don't step into an "accident". I would have left cookies, but between the dogs and the cat, there is no chance that anything other than drool will be left on the plate. I left you a Hot Toddy to warm you from the cold, but after a day like this, I drank it myself.

Yours Always,
Doggy Mom

P.S. One more thing... you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my "doggy kids" in perfect show coats so that they win at the shows.

[Joan Clancy]

I found more : )

DOG DICTIONARY (dog's point of view)
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your
person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in
the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do
this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the
drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place
your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale
deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to
test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push
the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with
margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of
bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to
control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a
bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the
person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their persons
want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly
at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end.
Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to
warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling
your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and
old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew
the papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is
polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers
clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor,
walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially
if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective
before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are
drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular bump
doesn't get the attention you require, especially effective when combined
with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.
If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
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Joan Clancy, NY