Dog Humor

[Gene]

I have several interesting/humorous/funny dog-related emails in my inbox. Thought we could create a thread where we could share these.

[Laura Kolbach]

Anonym Dogoholics

Good evening. My name is ... and I am dogoholic.
Welcome to the regular monthly meeting of the Dogoholics. Some of you are here because a friend or family member has brought you. It can happen that you sit here, thinking that you do not belong here, that you don't need any help. Well, it is not easy to admit that we are dogoholics and it is even more difficult to come to a meeting like this. We are here to help you to overcome the difficulties in the beginning.
I am going to ask you some questions. If you answer YES more than three times, then you are at the right place.

1. Can you say the word "bitch" in any big crowd with a poker-face and don't understand why people look strangely at you?
2. Do you drive an MPV, estate car, land rover, while everybody else has a 'normal' car?
3. Do you have more than one car? One for the dogs, one for yourself?
4. Do you spend your holidays and other free days at dogshows, while everybody else has real holidays?
5. If you leave the continent once a year, does it happen in March? Is the destination London and Crufts?
6. Do you talk about things during lunch that would even make doctors feel sick and leave the table?
7. Do you consider clean jeans and newly washed tennis shoes as business casual?
8. Do you chose the furniture and carpets so they match the dogs' coat colour?
9. Are the tables in your house cages, covered with dish towels?
10. Do you know the meaning of the following abbreviations: HPJ, HFGY, HDGY, PRM, CAC, CACIB, CW, BOB, BOS, BIS, SchH, WW?
11. Are most of your e-mails related to dogs?
12. Do you get up with joy and happiness at dawn to travel to a show or a training session?
13. If you have clothes at all, do they have pockets?
14. Do you often find thousand year old dried liver, little toys, pins in your pockets?
15. When you meet somebody for the first time, is your first question what kind of dog he/she has and do you feel sorry if he/she does not have any?
16. Do you remember the dogs' names better than the names the owners'?
17. Generally speaking, do you think that non-dog-people are boring?

If you replied YES once, you are not that hopeless yet.
If you replied YES twice, you are in big trouble.
If you replied YES three times or more, then you are at the right place. In this case I advise you to lean back. Smile, look at the laughing person next to you and accept that your life will be full of friends and dogs forever and it won't be boring at any time. Guaranteed.

[Syreeta Caron]

Here is one of mine that I have saved.

Syreeta

A Breeder (with a capital B) is one who thirst for knowledge and never really knows it all, one who wrestles with decisions on conscience, convenience, and commitment. A Breeder is one who sacrifices personal interest, finances, time, fancy furniture, and deep pile carpeting. A Breeder gives up the dreams of a long, luxurious cruise in favor of turning that all important Show into this years "vacation". The Breeder goes without sleep (but never without hot coffee or tea) in hours spent planning a breeding or watching anxiously over the birth process, and afterwards, over every little sneeze, wiggle or cry.



The Breeder skips dinner parties becouse that litter is due or the babies have to be fed at eight. The Breeder disregards birth fluids and puts mouth to mouth to save a gasping newborn, literally blowing life into a tiny helpless creature that may be the culmination of a lifetime of dreams.



A Breeders lap is a marvelous place where generations of proud and noble champions once snoozed. A Breeders hands are strong and firm and often soiled, but ever so gentle and sensitive to a puppy's wet nose A Breeders back and knees are usually arthritic from stooping, bending, and sitting in a birthing box, but strong enough to support the next choice pup to a championship. A Breeders shoulders are stooped and often heaped with the abuse from competitors, but they're wide enought to support the weight of a thousand defeats and flustrations. A Breeders arms are always able to wield a mop, support a armful of puppies, or lend a hand to a newcomer.



A Breeders ears are wonderous things, sometimes red (from being talked about) or strangley shaped (from being pressed against a phone revciever), often deaf to criticisim, yet always fine tuned to the whimper of a puppy. A Breeders eyes are blurred from pedigree research and sometimes blind to her own dogs faults, and are ever so keen when searching for that perfect specimum. A Breeders brain is foggy on peoples names, but can recall pedigrees faster than a IBM computer. It's so full of knowledge that sometimes it blows a fuse:

it catalogues thousands of good boning, fine ears, perfect heads... and buries the soul of failures and the ones that did'nt turn out. The Breeders heart is often broken, but it beats strongly with hope everlasting... and its alwasy in the right place!



Oh, Yes, there are breeders, and then, there are.. BREEDERS!...



Auther unknown.

[Syreeta Caron]

Here is another one. I'm going through all my old emails I saved.

Syreeta

Grow Old With Dogs

When I am old...
I will wear soft gray sweatshirts...
and a bandana over my silver hair.....
and I will spend my social security checks on wine and my dogs.
I will sit in my house on my well-worn chair and listen
to my dogs' breathing.
I will sneak out in the middle of a warm summer night
and take my dogs for an ice cream, if my old car will allow...
When people come to call,
I will smile and nod as I show them my dogs...
and talk of them and about them...
....the ones so beloved of the past
and the ones so beloved of today....

I will still work hard cleaning after them, mopping
and feeding them and whispering their names in a soft loving way.
I will wear the gleaming sweat on my throat, like a
jewel and I will be an embarrassment to all...
especially my family...
who have not yet found the peace
in being free to have dogs as your best friends....

These friends who always wait, at any hour, for your footfall...
and eagerly jump to their feet out of a sound sleep, to
greet you as if you are a God.
With warm eyes full of adoring love and hope that you will always stay,
I'll hug their big strong necks...
I'll kiss their dear sweet heads...
and whisper in their very special company....

I look in the Mirror...
and see I am getting old....
this is the kind of person I am...
and have always been.
Loving dogs is easy,
they are part of me.
Please accept me for who I am.
My dogs appreciate my presence in their lives...
they love my presence in their lives......
When I am old this will be important to me...
you will understand when you are old....
if you have dogs to love too.

~Author Unknown

[Syreeta Caron]

Another one.

Syreeta

Old dog in a locket
That lies next to my heart
I will always love you
As I did right from the start
You were right beside me
Through the darkest of my days
It was your kind and gentle nature
That made me want to stay.
Now I hold you in my arms
Your breath still warm against my hand
Our hearts still beat together
And I wonder if you understand
Through the hours that I held you
Before the light did leave your soul
I knew a way to keep you
Forever in my hold.
I snipped the hair from around your eyes
So I would always see
The beauty that surrounds me
Even in times of need
I snipped the hair from around your ears
So I would always hear
Music in the distance
To quiet any fears.
I snipped the hair from across your back
To bring me strength in times of need
And the power of your essence
Would always be with me.
I snipped the hair from around your heart
That beats in time with mine
So I would know that love would find me
At some distant time.
And so your life slipped out of mine
On a quiet, spring like day
But I knew that part of you
Was always here to stay.

Author Unknown

[Syreeta Caron]

I love this one. It describes my German Shorthaired Pointer to a T!

Syreeta

THE WELCOME



I hear it! I hear the car! HER car! And she's coming this way!

Oh, oh, I must run in and grab a gift! I must greet her with a gift!

Oh, ’BONK’ missed the step. No matter, I must hurry. Move over, doggy door! She's coming, she's coming!

Gift, gift, where, what, oh, oh, oh, ah! A plastic bottle she drinks from, right here on top of the container they call trash! Oh, perfect.

She's coming, she's coming! Oh, oh, oh...

The door! I hear the door sound that sounds right before she comes in!

Oh, it's OPENING! SHE'S HOME!

Oh, oh, ’wiggle, wiggle, wiggle’ I cannot be still! You're home! And look, look, I have this nice bottle! Oh, oh, you're home! YOU'RE HOME!

I have missed you so much, you've been gone hours, weeks, days, years! And so much has happened! A dog ran by and I chewed a tree and Pluto slept under the house and it rained a little!

Oh, oh, oh! You're home, you're home!

And you're touching me! I can't stand it, it's so marvelous! Oh, and you're speaking! “Murble, murble, good boy, murble, murble.”

YES! Your happy voice. Oh, I'm about to burst! I'm so happy, happy, happy! Yes! I want to jump! I'm not supposed to jump, but oh, oh, just a little jump!

”Off.”

Darn. Oh, I cannot be still.

I'll roll over and wiggle on my back! Oh, yes! She's rubbing me–my tummy, my head, my sides! Oh, oh,oh.

Now what? Now where's she going? Oh, oh, yes! Back to the room where we sleep at night! Great! It has the big pad we sleep on and ’L–E–A–P‘ I can get up here close to her.

And here she comes!

Oh, oh, oh! I can stand on my legs and put my paws around her neck and–uh oh. Can't lick with this bottle in my mouth. But it’s my present to her! Oh, oh, what to do? And she's rubbing me! But I want to lick her, oh, oh, I think I'm about to burst!


”Off.”

Oh, darn. Drop the bottle. Oh, YES! She’s coming back!

She took off the pieces she puts on her eyes, and I can stand and 'lick, lick' I love you, I love you, I love you, I love ’lick, lick, lick’ you taste so good, salty, sweet, I love that stuff you smear on your face every day, I love to lick it off, oh, oh, and you're rubbing me again!
My back, my head, my ears, oh, oh ’lick, lick, lick’. ”Murble, murble, Mickee, good boy, murble, murble.”

”Off.”

Darn.

I will lay here and watch her. Watch her peel her fur–it’s–not. It is very warm. I don’t know because I don’t think. How does she do that?

And I will get that look on my face that always makes her come and rub me. The look where I roll my eyes up, and keep my head flat here and she will come...and she's putting on her play skin! YES! We will play–sometime. My tail cannot be still. I am SO happy, happy, happy.

Now she’s going in the room with the wonderful water bowl! I LOVE that water bowl – always cool, clean water! She'll be out in just a minute, just a minute, just a.....yes, she's coming! She's here again.

Oh, oh, oh....

Now back to the room with the box that has pictures and sounds. Ah, I know what happens now. Yep, she's laying down on the big pad there. Now she'll sleep. But that’s okay.

She's HOME!


SHE'S home.

She's home.
And she smells tired. So I will lay beside her here and guard her and wait while she sleeps. And when she wakes up she won’t smell so tired. And we'll play and play.

S–i–g–h. I’ll just rest with her now, and smell her while she sleeps.

And wait again. For, the next thing that happens, HE'’LL be home.

And then, oh, oh, zzzzzzzzz........

-Written by Jana Mauney

[Agnieszka Dufrat 'Neiven']

10 right of ownership (dog's point of view)

1, If I like something - it's my thing
2, If I have something in my muzzle - it's my thing
3, If I can take something - it's my thing
4, If I had something a moment ago - it's my thing
5, If something is my it CAN'T be your thing
6, If I let something fall - it's my thing
6, If I first saw something - it's my thing
8, If something look like my thing - it's my thing
9, If you played something and you let it fall - it's my thing
10, If something is broken - it is your thing

[Jelena Kreitmayer]

Dear Cats & Dogs,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help,
because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cats’
butt. I cannot stress this enough. This could be nothing more than a simple
change.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets

1.They live here. You don’t. !

2.If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture.)

3.I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4.To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly. Note: Dogs and cats can be more efficient than kids. They eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about buying the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, and don’t need a gazillion dollars for college. And you can always lock them in the cage when going out at night without getting arrested for child abuse! :)

[Jelena Kreitmayer]

* 1. In the bowl. (A good foundation, but important to supplement with other groups.)
* 2. Off the table. (Most varied group, but best eaten when no one is looking.)
* 3. On the floor. (A nutritious way to snack between meals.)
* 4. Grass - taken at least once a day to enable vomit activity. (Vomit activity best engaged in while resting head on caretaker's lap.)
* 5. Poop. (At least once a day for overall digestive happiness. May be taken topically via rolling in it.) Best if eaten immediately after production. Be sure to lick owner in face after ingestion.

[Jelena Kreitmayer]

You Know You Are a Dog Person When...

You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.
Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.
You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places
around the house, but no babies.
The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the
kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.
You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.
Your dog sleeps with you.
Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your
significant other.
You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there
are nose-prints all over the inside.
You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but
she understands.
Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let him kiss you (but not
immediately afterward, of course). OF COURSE :)
You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.
You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.
You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your
dog.
You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.
You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.
You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.
You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out.
You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.
You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.
Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.
Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.
You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard chirping "Meg, pee!" over and over again, while Meg tends to play and forget what she's out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story).
You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.
You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's).
You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.
You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.
You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs her walk.
You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go home and see your dog.
Your friend's dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.
Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike (both days).
You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the first floor...).
Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.
You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a taste, too).
You shovel a zigzag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all her favorite spots.
You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.
You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.
You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human. *VBG*
Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site!
Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog.
You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.
Your jewelry box contains no jewels... just those fasteners from vari-kennels.
Every time you read the name Bob, you think the guy's first name is Best of Breed.
Your house isn't carpeted--the fuzzy furballs under your feet are soft enough...
Your hungry hubby com

[ursula wilby]

Oh I just love the bit "You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta"!

[Jelena Kreitmayer]

because we all know it is true :))))) ( but if I found a people hair that would totally gross me out! ) :o)))

[ursula wilby]

One of my books is called "Doghair in the butter" and I was at a bookshow signing when a non-doggy (had to be) person walked by and said to her companien: "See that booktitle? How totally disgusting! Who could ever think of calling a book that?"
Well the person was sitting a few feet away from them, but then how could they know?