As most of you know already my handsome and loving irish setter was diagnosed with bone cancer about 2 weeks ago, not to mention my fiancee lost her cat "Babykat" to heart failure 2 days after "max" was given his real tough road ahead.
Anyway this morning he is going in for surgery to amputate his right distal radius ( right leg) i went to bed last night at 11:30 PM and i tossed and turned thinking about the "what if " i could have done more , i wish i could stop the mind racing and blaming myself for not noticing the tumor on his leg sooner......i have been up since 4AM and i've had about 3 hours sleep.
My fiancee has also been up and tossing and turning all night as well.
We've fought at least 3 times in the last 2 weeks, keep in mind we barely ever fight and yet to realize this it's obvious she and i are under alot of stress ( yet to aleive me of the pain / stress i have been dealing with i have been drinking everyday since he was diagnosed ) so i can manage this powerlessness....i' am however an alcoholic ... i therefore it's no wonder why "life" lately has been rough, meanwhile we're getting marred less then a month.
I'm not sure where i'm going with this discussion nor do i have any idea what i'm trying to say.....i don;t know much but i do know this..
I love "max" more then i have loved anyone or anything in my entire life
I want to do more then i have already.
Is there anything anyone can suggest to be there for him and lisa...( my fiancee )
I'm a basket case in need of support / perspective otherwise i'm not sure if i have it in me to be strong for lisa .....is it normal to feel this way about all we're going through...am i being selfish..i need some help..........does anyone have any ideas as to how i can just "be" in case max and lisa needs me........do i have it in me to even consider trying to be me....
Thank you so much i am now in shock leen, my fiancee called me, who by the way assisted in the surgery and now wishes she didn't because it ripped her apart, lisa called me after the surgery was finished and asked me if i wanted to see "max" ....of course i do....i'll be there in a minute....i said to her.
Anyway Leen i came around the corner and i fell apart when i ever saw him lying down in the cage all shaved and an IV sticking out of his leg and wimpering and staples all over his chest and back and shoulder......
It really screwed with my emotions.....i thought i'd blow lunch and have a breakdown..max made it through ......lisa and i live on the 3rd floor and decided that max stay in the hospital for a few days at least this way he can recover without the worry or concern of falling down the stairs..........poor little guy.......
It kills me to see him like this and i won't apoligize for being so emotional and process my feelings is something i have always done for as far back as i can remember.
I don't know much but i can tell you i love "max" with every fiber of my being and if it came down to him or i having cancer...i'd pick me in a second.
I can't bare the thought of losing him.
Staying in the hospital i agree is a wise move however we live 5 mins( literally) from lisas work ....she's a vet tech and thank god we can go see him........trust me i'll be going to see him every 2 hours....until my handsome boy is home.....nothing less then him being home laying on the couch will be enough for me.............it's real nice yet painful that i can allow myself to love and not expect anything in return.
It must be very hard for you, but Max made it through surgery. I am sure he will be just fine. People say dogs with three legs manage very well. Don’t blame youself or anyone else. Drinking won’t solve your problems, it will make thing worse. Lisa and Max need you, be there fot them. Don’t let what happened to Max appart you and Lisa, it can make you and Lisa stronger and more connected. Think about the good thing that are coming not the bad that might happen.
Thank you so much for such encouraging words it really feels so good to know you love animals like the rest of us do.
By the way last night when lisa and i went to visit him for the last time and prepared ourselves to pick him up today ( we went and visited him 4 times yesterday) he not only wagged his tail and knew who we were but he also got up on his legs , gingerly of course,
but he stepped out of the cage and walked right outside and peed so we figured we'd take him home.
Lisa let me know if we took him home that getting him up the stairs( we live on the 3rd floor) might be real difficult as a result of the surgery.........well let me just tell you ..........when we opened the door he walked right up those staris no problem at all.......i got so emotional with happiness and joy that he adjusted right away and from the looks of it will be just fine.....god willing......he slept like a rock last night as i stayed on the couch and kept my eye on him all night......he's on all kinds of pain killers......trimadol and metacam and anitbiotics .....so he's progressively moving in the right direction.