Dog Humor

[Gene]

I have several interesting/humorous/funny dog-related emails in my inbox. Thought we could create a thread where we could share these.

[Jeanette Bostroem]

ATTENTION ALL DOGS!!!
THE FOLLOWING ARE IMPORTANT INSTRUCTIONS FOR EVERY DOG TO KNOW

Instructions for properly hugging a baby.

1. First spy a baby.

2. Second, be sure that the object you spied was indeed a baby by employing classic sniffing techniques. If you
smell baby powder and the wonderful aroma of wet diapers this is indeed a baby.

3. Next you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the hugging process.

**Note: The added slobber should help in future steps by making the 'paw slide' easier.

4. The 'paw slide' Simply slide paws around baby and prepare for possible close-up.

5. Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult and patented 'hug, smile, and lean' so as to
achieve the best photo quality.

!!Dogs, if this is properly done, it will secure you a warm, dry, climate-controlled environment for the rest of your life.!!

[Agnieszka Dufrat 'Neiven']

THINGS DOGS MUST REMEMBER

* I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
*The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
*I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
* I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myselfof hangers-on.
* I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
*I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
*I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
*I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
*I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
*I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
*I will not throw up in the car.
*I will not roll on dead birds, seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
*I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
*"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
*I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
*The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
*I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
*I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
*I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
*When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
*We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
*I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
*The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
*My head does not belong in the refrigerator, dishwasher or trashcan.
*I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
*I will not spend more than 5 minutes trying to find the "perfect" place to poop.
*I will not eat other animals' poop.
*I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while Mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope.

[Jelena Kreitmayer]

Sleeping With Dogs

Whoever said "LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE" didn't sleep with dogs.

The first thing you discover when you bring a dog onto your bed is the
striking difference in weight between an alert, awake dog and a dog at rest.

Rule Number One: The deeper the sleep the heavier the dog.

Most people who sleep with dogs develop spinal deformities rather than rent the heavy equipment necessary to move their snoring canines to a more appropriate part of the bed. Cunning canines steal precious space in tiny increments until they have achieved the center position on the bed - with all covers carefully tucked under them for safekeeping. The stretch and roll method is very effective in gaining territory. Less subtle tactics are sometimes preferred. A jealous dog can worm his way between a sleeping couple and, with the proper spring action from all four legs, shove a sleeping human to the floor.

Rule Number Two: Dogs possess superhuman strength while on a bed.

As you cling to the edge of the bed, wishing you had covers, your sweet pup begins to snore at a volume you would not have thought possible. Once that quiets down, the dog dreams begin. Yipping, growling, running, kicking. Your bed becomes a battlefield and playground of canine fantasy. It starts out with a bit of "sleep running", lots of eye movement and then, suddenly, a shrieking howl blasted through the night like a banshee wail. The horror of this wake-up call haunts you for years. It's particularly devastating when your pup insists on sleeping curled around your head like a demented Daniel Boone cap.

Rule Number Three: The deeper the sleep, the louder the dog.

The night creeps on and you fall asleep in the 3 inches of bed not claimed by a dog. The dog dreams quiet slightly and the heap of dog flesh sleeps - breathing heavily and passing wind. Then, too soon, it's dawn and the heap stirs. Each dog has a distinctive and unpleasant method of waking the pack. One may position itself centimeters from a face and stare until you wake. The clever dog obtains excellent results by simply sneezing on your face, or they could romp all over your sleeping bodies - or the ever-loving insertion of a tongue in an unsuspecting ear.

Rule Number Four: When the dog wakes - you wake.

So, why do we put up with this? There's no sane reason. Perhaps it's just that we're a pack and a pack heaps together at night - safe, contented, heavy and loud.

[Jelena Kreitmayer]

How do I love thee dear dog? Let me count the ways....

~I love thee agreeably - enough to let your stinky rawhide on the bed after a
run through damp leaves, mud and slug infested gardens.
~I love thee steadfastly - enough to devote a year to raising you from a wobbly speck into a strong healthy adult (who promptly attempts to seize control).
~I love thee passionately - despite your repeated efforts to probe my ears, eyes and mouth with the same tongue you use for various other atrocities.
~I love thee well - despite the amazing odours you produce.
~I love thee deeply - though you use me as a napkin at every opportunity.
~I love thee madly - despite the various bodily functions you have performed at inappropriate moments - in inappropriate places.
~I love thee constantly - despite the dog "bladder curfew" I have lived by for many years.
~I love thee truly - despite the "doggie landmines" hidden in the grass.
~I love thee absolutely - because you never (well, hardly ever) hog the remote control.
~I love thee gratefully - because you stay by my side (or on my side).
~I love thee devotedly - you mean more to me than clean carpeting, clothing, furniture, floors or walls.
~I love thee bravely - enough to battle the indomitable flea on your behalf.
~I love thee monetarily - enough to put the vet's children through college.
~I love thee openly - I will bear any embarrassment for your furry sake.
~I love thee totally - more than free time, excess cash or a predictable life

[Jelena Kreitmayer]

These are 'real' breeds of dog, as collected from license applications and want forms at a US dog shelter:

Westminster Terrier
Rhode Island Ridgeback
Palmeranian
Copper Spaniel
Cocker Spaniard
Black Labrador (from a license app, dog's color was yellow)
Shit Sue
Dorky Terrier
Lopso Apso
El Paso (attempt at Lhasa Apso)
Highland Heeler
Alaskan Malibu
Belgian Manawa
Belgium Malenoise
Basket Hound
Bagle
Welch Corgi
Wild Haired Terrier
Carrion Terrier
Wineamimer
Rockwelders
Rottenwiler
Great Pekingese (supposed to be Pyrenees)
Great Pyramid
Miniature Datsun
Irish Settler
Jack Daniels Terrier
German Police Man
Chesapeake A Retriever
Borderline Collie
Chevy King Charles (Cavalier)

[ursula wilby]

My alltime favorite out of these must be the BORDERLINE COLLIE!

[Susan Stone]

I like the S..t Sue

may I add the Golden Redriver - as seen advertised in a swiss dog paper

[ursula wilby]

YES Susan!
I can see that if you ever longed for a small breed to complement the "real" dogs, you would just have to go for THAT one!!!!!!

[Jelena Kreitmayer]

Dear Dog Owner,

Are you experiencing too many reserves and 2nd places to inferior animals in the dog show ring?

In the agility and/or obedience ring, does your dog forget his own name?

Well, this simple chain letter is meant to bring relief and happiness to you. Unlike most chain letters, it doesn't cost money.

Simply send a copy to six other dog owners who are dissatisfied with the way their dogs are working and showing.

Also bundle up your dog and send him/her to the dog owner at the top of this list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

Do not use a return address or the post office may try to contact you.

In one week, you will receive 16,436 dogs, and at least one of them should be a keeper.

Have faith in this letter. Do not break the chain. One owner broke the chain and got his own dog back.

[Jelena Kreitmayer]

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.
She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
No," the boy answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!

[Laura Kolbach]

BIRD DOG PUPS AVAILABLE SOON!!!

[Henk ten Klooster]

Thanks for a good laugh Laura! Heres one really happening. A girlfriend visited the vet yesterday. "Hmm," he said "wheres your animal?"

"Look at my neck", she responded. With a big laugh the vet after inspecting said: "Haha, you need to go to a doctor for a tick."

"Oh yeah", she again "but I don't come here for myself, but for that tick".